Labor Day blues

Labor day for me is always a sad or sullen type of day, for one main reason,
I'm a teacher and it is back to work and the end of the summer season. I don't have children, so I am not like the women in the Staples commercial, singing "its the most wonderful time of the year" . I am with the kids behind her, shuffling my feet with my head down sulking, because I will be getting HER children.
Me and another teacher friend get together every year in my yard and sulk. Maybe sulk is not a good word, but its definitely very quiet sitting in that yard. Its a tradition. We do it every year.
Labor day, is like my New Years Eve. It is a day when I look back at the year and see where I went, or what I did or do not do. How have I grown or what will I do this year ?
Different cultures have their calendars that begin at different times, Chinese, Jewish, Roman, Teachers. Yes my date book is an Academic calender, it starts in September, not January.
So to all you teachers out there, Happy New Year, lets make it a good one !!

I think about the job that affords me a decent medical co-pay, July and August off to explore my creative side, sleep till noon, travel, stare at facebook for hours on end and do absolutely nothing . But this job is beginning to scare me. Not because I am in a school with teens, but because I have been there over 10 years ! It is starting to get functionable . Not sure if that is a word, but I heard that word again recently. Someone very dear to me described their marriage as functionable. I don't know if its a good word or a bad word. My father was a functionable alcoholic. He held a job and a drank his face off till the day he died with a beer in his hand. Do we love things that are functionable ? or do we learn to love them ? I never wanted to be a teacher, but hey its not that bad, I get along with kids, I think I teach them stuff, plus there is always July and August, so am I a functionable teacher ?

The word fucntionable reminds me of the word security. Sometimes when things are secure, or when things are functioning, we don't reach for change, we dont take risks. I like risk, but as you get older you like security, so every Labor day I battle between security or risk. I am returning to my teaching job, a job that I am good at, one that pays my mortgage and a job that affords me security. But every year I return to a job which was never my career. As the years keep adding on taking a risk seems harder and harder.

So I have tried to mesh the two, secure my nest, while also taking risks. Now I understand what a good manager is all about . So I ask myself, how did you challenge yourself this year ? Did you go after something that you wanted ?

I quit smoking, I traveled several times, I made sure I got off this Island often. I became really good at making good facebook statuses.
Check.
Standup took a back seat this year, but I began to blog and I am writing a book. New creative ventures for me.
The biggest risk ?
I opened my heart and found the man who touches my soul, a feeling that not many people get to feel in their lifetime .
I also tried to start my own family, through insemination, I tried 3 times.
But with pregnancy and relationships, timing is everything, so even though I did take the risk, my timing was off. As I comic , I know that timing is everything !

Once again tomorrow I am going to sit at the faculty meeting and listen to the countless names of people who had children, or became pregnant, those who were married, or those who got engaged, and once again my name is not going to be called. Its sad. Its sad but not tragic. Sad, that my biggest risks did not pay off. But because I took those risks, I have never felt more alive in my life ! So definitely not tragic. Tomorrow at the meeting when my name is not called, I definitely will be sad. But for kicks, I should take a risk, raise my hand and say, " Hi, I did not get pregnant or get a husband this summer, but boy did I have a great time trying !"

Happy New Year Everyone !

Its not the worst thing in the world

Last tuesday , I found out my second try didnt take. I was not pregnant. I was surprised, I was late and I am NEVER late. But I was not totally surprised b/c I could not wait the long weekend , so I bought one of those EPT tests. I couldnt wait to take a picture of the "double bar" that says your pregnant, and post it on facebook. But I did not get the double bar, so I thought its too early, it must be wrong, I am never late. So when I took the official test with my doctor, his answer was the right one, not pregnant. I hung up the phone and cried, floodgates,, so much so that when a close friend called I could not talk and said I need a few minutes. I cried like I lost a great boyfriend, something I was used to feeling, it hurt just as much . When I got into this fertility thing , I did not expect to be so emotional. I guess maybe I expected it to work !! I was more scared actually starting it, thinking , "ok now your going to do this, by yourself, 1,2,3, jump ! " Now that I committed to it, and it failed, it really is like committing your heart to someone, then it does not pan out in the end.
But I am handling this like another 'break-up" Feel bad about it for a week, then move on. So I did, I sat around, slept late, drank , ate bad things, watched tv, starred at facebook too much, dreamed a little, listened to really bad love songs and cried.
Then I realized, its not the worst thing in the world, I am trying for gods sake !
I live in a nice house, I have my dog flo, I am healthy, and I have a job that gives me off July and August ! and I worked enough overtime to buy me a fridge and send me back to where I love the most , Ireland !
So I will try again next month, and maybe I will be luckier. If not , at least I know what I am in for, because being a spinster I am no stranger to heartbreak, but I am always so much stronger in the end.

why spinster ?

A spinster has never been married, right? Ok thats me ! I like the word, I figure if I own it , it wont be so negative. I think of the word finster when I think of spinster, like "finster baby, come back here you naughty baby", a scene from bugs bunny.

Do you know any spinsters ? Most likely your answer would be yes, me (the blogger ). Think about how many people do you know that are not married .
Then break it down -
never married ?
never married and straight ?
never married and not crazy/drug addict ?
never married over , 30, 40, dare I say 50 ?
that would leave me and my uncle jimmy.

If you know any one else let me know. If you are divorced you don't count. My divorced friends think they get a pass in cause they are single now. Come on , I did not get a big party thrown for me , with a gown and a hall and a shower, and gifts, gifts and gifts . So the spinster is exclusive to never married. Sorry friends but we can hang out later and pick up .

Do you ever wonder why ? I admit I do. When I see an online posting of a man never married, I wonder "whats wrong with him"
So do they think, "whats wrong with her '?
Is there something wrong ?
Talk about it .

should i stay or should i go?

Alright I am fine and healthy according to all the tests. This is covered under my insurance. I can do this , right ? Jesus I can handle hundreds of teens, I can handle a screaming one of my own?
I decide to announce my decision to my family at the most traditional of events, a bridal shower. The reaction I got , not so traditional. I think if I said I was gay or dating a black man I would of gotten a better response.
"What ???"
"Do you realize how HAAAAAARD it is to be a mother ?"
"Do you know you what you have to give up ?"
"Do you know what it will do you your body, you will put on even more weight" ?
"I think you should adopt an older child, your better with them"

Cheese and rice ! and I did not know this about being a mom. I did not know it would be hard, or sacrafice ! How come they know and not me ??
This was much different from the cheers and ooohs I got from my work colleagues. Maybe my family knew something about me that I did not realize,
Just like I have not been the marrying kind, maybe I am not the mommy kind either.
This reaction made me put my idea on hold.

I went seeking other options.
I looked at international adoption and domestic adoption. I went and looked at teenage adoption, ooh my that is scary,, yes let me just start off at their most difficult years ! But the positive is I dont need a babysitter or daycare. If anything their reaction made me take a step back and really look at what is the best choice to make.
Some people say, maybe you should get a puppy, I have, I have had 3 and I still have FLO she is alive, in fact she is on the couch now, snoring.

So before I take that leap, I am going to go do some soul searching. Jesus I think its just easier to get knocked up. Just happens and you just deal with it. I work well that way. Well then , thats it ! I need to go get some some, ! I will see ya later !

skipping ahead to today

Like most things I do,, I start them late or last minute. Kind of like how I am trying to have a baby , no let me wait to the last possible moment. I want to get every drop of freedom out first. No , I am not going to marry you, what if somebody else comes along ? I am the classic last minute girl, papers last minute, lessons planned last minute, shopping last minute, leave the house last minute, should I get married ?, typical last minute stuff. So even this blog is last minute. I did not start it right away, I thought about it. For about 2 years.
So I find myself torn sometimes. " I really need to write about what happens next, but I really want to tell you what happened today".
This is my classic writing issue, so many ideas in the head, but I wait till the last minute to write them down, then I dont know which one I should write first.
Then of course, I dont write at all because I cant decide which too do, I'll wait.
So I am going to wait now, take a nap and come back later, see ya then.

Finding a BDD (Baby Daddy Donor )

As much as I am doing this alone, I do need a man. I need a BDD , (baby daddy donor ). Where to find one ? I am a woman, I can get laid, lately though not as much . I was once a better whore than I am now.
Which made me think, I have never been pregnant, I have missed the bullet for countless , ooops !
Can I get pregnant ?
So I took the tests, I am fine, my health is fine, my eggs are fine, my uterus is fine so I am good to go !
All I need is a papa .
I could call upon some of my gay male friends, they would make great dads. They are stable, in good relationships, healthy and good friends. This would be a great idea, I know it did not work out for Madonna and Rubert Everett in that movie,, but nobody works out with Madonna .
I remember this guy who use to come to the Cargo, we both made a pack that if we were not married by age 40 we would have a baby together,, well I looked him up, he has changed his mind. Guess the idea sounded better with margaritas.
I could fly to Ireland and do it au natural with my long time love, he makes really cute kids, I could come back and he could never know. 18 years later his daughter will go to Ireland and have a "what a girl wants" moment. Sorry that only happens in the movies.
I could do it the old fashion way , from a sperm donor, I can pick out who I want- no rejections.
The possibilities are endless, any takers ???

Getting into the mommy club at school

Someone slipped a card in my mailbox
It was a business card, "Island Reproductive Services"
On the card was a post it that read, "Hi Nanci, this place is wonderful and I recommend them if you decide to go through with it , Steph"
First I was delighted to get a personal note at work, and not a "I need from you" note. This was some unsolicited advice from a colleague.
Can I explain how this note made me feel ? Nobody really talks to me at work, well REALLY talks to me. And I am just as much to blame. I am too busy to make real friends here, and I don't really have much in common with them. I like politics, stuff I am reading, crazy single life stuff. They like weddings, American Idol and kids. We don't really talk to each other, with the exception of student issues, or the occasional how are you.
So I was delighted when I got the note, seemed almost like an invitation to join the club, the I have children club.
The fact that I was even considering it , gave me a whole bunch of new friends at work. Not to mention compliments.
"I think you would make a wonderful mom"
" I hear you want to be a mom, that's awesome"
" I hope it happens for you, you deserve it, I am pulling for you"
Ohh my fucking god, I thought these people hated me, they never talk to me, now they wish me nothing but good ??
Is this all I have to do to make friends at work, have a baby ?

I felt like I was in 7th grade again and the cool clique let me join their gang. Walking the halls, giving that secret mom handshake, being invited over to the big lunch table, putting nice notes in each other's mailboxes. Going to be a mom was going to be fun , I was going to be cool again !!! I can't wait to go home and tell my family about my day at school.
"Hey Ma- guess what , the kids(teachers ) at school let me join their group today, I am going to be a mother !"

spinster: Introduction

spinster: Introduction: "Most women my age,, well let me take that back, MANY women my age have reached a few milestones, a marriage and some babies. I have reached..."

Introduction

Most women my age,, well let me take that back, MANY women my age have reached a few milestones, a marriage and some babies. I have reached none of that. In search of enlightenment, career and just having a great fucking time, I seemed to have missed the boat.

Most women, I mean many woman do things in this order
Marriage/House/Children

Not me.

I skipped the marriage boat. Its not that I wanted to take it, ohh I always dreamed of being married. When I met the man of my dreams, we were too young, then the other opportunities that came along did not fit,, I loved him, he did not love me. He loved me, I skeeved him. He would make a great husband, but in a few years he would be coming out. Reunite with the love of your life but he is detained at the moment. Not in prison, but married with children and living in another country. Typical . So I learned to that if you want anything in this world , sometimes you need to go just get it yourself.

Two years ago , when I was 44 I bought my own house. Next I began to think, children.
Children ?
What the hell was I thinking, I hated the children water cooler talk at work, I didn't even hang with my friend's kids or my nieces and nephews. I even remember seeing an Oprah show about motherless women, and thought , " I would be cool about that"
I love tequila, and going out, and thinking about,,, MYSELF !
But something snapped, when I was making up my questroom in my new house, I found myself buying things for kids to be in the room.
I made it into a little classroom, so my niece and my friends kids could play school.
I turned it into a kids room ! ?????

The only explanation for me , was now that I was turning 44 , my biological window was closing, like NOW , so I quess it got me thinking , but of course, I was husbandless, and boyfriendless, I even lost my decade old fuck buddy .

The next week I was at ANOTHER baby shower. I dont know what water the women are drinking at work, but besides flouride, I believe fertility is also in the water, EVERYONE IS PREGNANT. So I asked my co-worker how she got pregnant, she was not seeing anyone in particular.
"On my own" , she says.
What ? How could you afford fertility on a teacher's salary ? When she said that it was covered under our insurance.
You get 3 tries.

This was an opportunity I could not miss. And something I just discovered I could afford !
My biological clock was on the last snooze button, I couldn't hit it anymore !
If was going to do this I had to do it now !