the date ( one year ago today )

The sun came in and pounded her face like an alarm clock, " get up right now it seemed to say" . It was 7am, too early for those on holiday, but excitement about the day pushed her out of bed and feet on to the floor. The small child in the next room was wispering to her doll, and the mother was sound asleep in the next room. "Morning" she said to the child. She walked downstairs and opened the door, the air was cool outside and the sun was shinning . She stepped on the grass and let the Irish dew wrap around her feet like morning slippers. She raised her arms in the air and had a good yoga stretch, taking healthy breaths of air, taking as much as she can into her lungs, " we dont get this kind of air back home" she thought to herself. "what are you doing ?"the child said. "Stretching " she said. The small child stood next to her and together in silence they did their sun salutations to the alarm clock. Everytime she looked down, she saw the small child looking up, trying hard to do her version of the exercise. It was quiet outside, the only sounds you could hear was a faint truck backing up somewhere in the neighborhood and the two of them breathing. Stretching she began to think about how she liked mornings, because she never really liked them before. Mornings were always too early and usually a time when things moved too fast. Quick out of bed, shower, dress, eat, go. Mornings here last longer, breathe better and think better . I wish I could live here she thought. Daydreaming was awoken by the child, "Im hungry lets make breakfast" The two walked in quiet , not to wake the mom, and prepared the kettle. Cereal and some sausage was the choice for the day. The child poured herself some juice. Wow how grown up this little child is , she is not even 3 . The two sat there and talked about their goals for the day. The child talked about school, and playing and how much she loved her mommy. The child asked who she loved, and she smiled . "The person I love will be here in an hour, do you want to help me get pretty?" Getting pretty was what the 3 year old child was an expert on. The child took her hand and they walked up the stairs to her guest room. "You play in your room , and I will change and then you tell me what outfit you like" "Ok" said the child and went off to her room and began to pull apart her dresser . While she was picking clothes , the child was changing too, both getting their fashion shows together. " I like that one" the child said. The child chose an orange/brown sundress with green calf length boots. Hmm she thought, I know he loves these boots, good choice young child. The young child went back into her room and also came out wearing a sundress. They both went into the the bathroom, the young child grabbed her step stool and then both brushed their teeth. They both brush then she took the hand towel wiped her face and then wiped the child, smushing her face till the child giggled.

"Makeup" She handed the child a lipstick that was fine if the child broke it. She brushed the child's face with powder, then brushed her own. " Would you like some shadow ?" she said, "Yes Please" said the child like two girls at tea. Both looking in the mirror, looking pretty, feeling pretty, getting pretty. The mommy awakes by the sounds of her your child giggling and walks into the bathroom half asleep, "morning ladies , are we having a little dress up date ?" "yes mommy" said the child. " I am going to go put on the kettle, would anyone like a latte?" "yes" in unison still looking in the mirror.

"well how do I look ?" she asks, "Lovely" said the child in a sweet Irish accent.

They both go downstairs where mom has latte and juice waiting.

"Where are you going today", the mommy asks. " I am not sure. Maybe Kilkenny, maybe a drive to the coast or a ride up to Dublin to see a friend play, it does not really matter " she says. She takes her latte and goes outside, the other two girls in tow. This time the cul de sac is more busy. There are kids riding their bikes, and some catching butterflies, there is a delivery up the street and the next door neighbor talking to the next neighbor. The mobile rings and she runs inside. " Hello, I should be there in about 20 minutes", he says.

The excitement is too much, she gets up and down and goes in and out, gathering her bag and holding her phone. The mommy and child go the parlor and put on the tv. "Sit down and relax" says the mommy, I can't she says.

The phone rings again, ' I think I am here, I am on Royal Oak", he says, " Yes, your close, make a right on Ashfield, follow the road, when you see the school bear to the left, we are #11" as she runs out of the house with the phone to her ear, she sees the car turning up the road. Its him, Its him she says to herself, recognizing the car ,then seeing his face through the window. He is smiling, like he had never been happier to see someone , and she is smiling back just as happy to see him. He pulls into the driveway, and quickly puts on the brake and jumps out of the car. He runs up to her and hugs her, lifts her off the ground. "Jesus, its good to see you.he says. They walk into the house and she makes the introductions to mommy and the child. "He is handsome" says the young child. "and your lovely" as he picks her up and puts her down. " Who did your makeup?, he asks. "Ohh we did , I have a date today" "Ohh really" said all the grown ups . "

The day was getting older, so it was time to get going.

She says to the mom, that she will call her later, then thanks the young child for helping her this morning.

He walks over to the car and opens the door for her then as he walks over to his side he stops and says. "Nice meeting you and then he bent down to the child, and nice meeting you, have a lovely time on your date today"

" You too" said the child as she watched them drive away and out of the cul de sac

that smell in the air

Tonight I opened the windows and let the cool air in. I stepped outside and put my bare feet on the concrete, it was cold. And then it happened, happens every year, there was this smell in the air, that back to school smell. It came a little early this year, usually I feel it on labor day, but I guess Irene brought it a week early. I don't know how you feel about that smell, its all different for each of us. I have to go back to work after 2 months of vacation. Its all over, the summer. There is a pressure I seem to always put upon me, summer is suppose to be monumental. If your going to do this, summers must great, that is why I took this job, July and August.

So now summer is over, was it monumental ? No. There was no Solo Show in the Fringe, No reuniting with the love of my life in Europe, there was no baby, no marriage, no weight loss, no book, no fame, no fortune. Anything but monumental. But I did have a lot of fun, some sleep, some travel, some learning, some therapy, some sun, some writing, some reading, some cleaning, some paperwork, some cooking, some eating, some friends,some family, some visitors, some facebook and of course Edie, Ed and Flo. So in having a summer of small stuff was a first for me, and in that case I guess monumental.

Some people say I should be happy to be working, that I have 2 months off, that I have health insurance, a pension, live 20 minutes from my job. They're right, sort of.

I want to live in a world that everyone gets a nice long vacation, has health insurance, a pension, easy commute, job security.

Shouldn't we live in a society, that an employee is healthy , refreshed, nourished, inspired. Then we will produce better, have better results. Funny. those words are what I am expected to give my students ! So summers are important, needed and if you want teachers to return in September, mandatory !

Hmmm there is something in the air.

Wild and Crazy weekend !

For Amy - who got me to write today.
I have not been here in a while, that is because all the things I want to write, I didnt write. So I just did not write because it would not be in "some kind of order" How many times lately, something comes in my head to blog, and I say to myself, " can't blog that yet because you haven't blogged about the last thing " So I don't blog anything . So today I was folding clothes, doing some of my best thinking and thinking, " You should blog that" , then the "but you have not blogged the other stuff yet " voice spoke. So I choked it with a sock, finished my folding and came inside, , and a voice said " just write , fuck the order ". So here I am.

A friend was texting me Saturday, said I should be out and having manys drinks and grabbing some sex from a cab driver !.. You know, that typical single stuff . Drinking and having sex ! What if I am not doing that , is my weekend, bubkus ? I know that the perks of no kids , no husband is that I can do what I want. What if it is calling it an early night? Do they take away my single card ?

I did something big this weekend, I hung up pictures,, that's big !! God it took me forever to hang those, like ,,, two apartments ! The point being, can I enjoy a weekend home, alone, with me ? How come married people with kids can stay home, no one says anything to them ?

The beauty of being single is, I do not need permission. And even if that means doing something crazy like staying home all weekend.
I can have sex with cab drivers anytime !

Labor Day blues

Labor day for me is always a sad or sullen type of day, for one main reason,
I'm a teacher and it is back to work and the end of the summer season. I don't have children, so I am not like the women in the Staples commercial, singing "its the most wonderful time of the year" . I am with the kids behind her, shuffling my feet with my head down sulking, because I will be getting HER children.
Me and another teacher friend get together every year in my yard and sulk. Maybe sulk is not a good word, but its definitely very quiet sitting in that yard. Its a tradition. We do it every year.
Labor day, is like my New Years Eve. It is a day when I look back at the year and see where I went, or what I did or do not do. How have I grown or what will I do this year ?
Different cultures have their calendars that begin at different times, Chinese, Jewish, Roman, Teachers. Yes my date book is an Academic calender, it starts in September, not January.
So to all you teachers out there, Happy New Year, lets make it a good one !!

I think about the job that affords me a decent medical co-pay, July and August off to explore my creative side, sleep till noon, travel, stare at facebook for hours on end and do absolutely nothing . But this job is beginning to scare me. Not because I am in a school with teens, but because I have been there over 10 years ! It is starting to get functionable . Not sure if that is a word, but I heard that word again recently. Someone very dear to me described their marriage as functionable. I don't know if its a good word or a bad word. My father was a functionable alcoholic. He held a job and a drank his face off till the day he died with a beer in his hand. Do we love things that are functionable ? or do we learn to love them ? I never wanted to be a teacher, but hey its not that bad, I get along with kids, I think I teach them stuff, plus there is always July and August, so am I a functionable teacher ?

The word fucntionable reminds me of the word security. Sometimes when things are secure, or when things are functioning, we don't reach for change, we dont take risks. I like risk, but as you get older you like security, so every Labor day I battle between security or risk. I am returning to my teaching job, a job that I am good at, one that pays my mortgage and a job that affords me security. But every year I return to a job which was never my career. As the years keep adding on taking a risk seems harder and harder.

So I have tried to mesh the two, secure my nest, while also taking risks. Now I understand what a good manager is all about . So I ask myself, how did you challenge yourself this year ? Did you go after something that you wanted ?

I quit smoking, I traveled several times, I made sure I got off this Island often. I became really good at making good facebook statuses.
Check.
Standup took a back seat this year, but I began to blog and I am writing a book. New creative ventures for me.
The biggest risk ?
I opened my heart and found the man who touches my soul, a feeling that not many people get to feel in their lifetime .
I also tried to start my own family, through insemination, I tried 3 times.
But with pregnancy and relationships, timing is everything, so even though I did take the risk, my timing was off. As I comic , I know that timing is everything !

Once again tomorrow I am going to sit at the faculty meeting and listen to the countless names of people who had children, or became pregnant, those who were married, or those who got engaged, and once again my name is not going to be called. Its sad. Its sad but not tragic. Sad, that my biggest risks did not pay off. But because I took those risks, I have never felt more alive in my life ! So definitely not tragic. Tomorrow at the meeting when my name is not called, I definitely will be sad. But for kicks, I should take a risk, raise my hand and say, " Hi, I did not get pregnant or get a husband this summer, but boy did I have a great time trying !"

Happy New Year Everyone !

Its not the worst thing in the world

Last tuesday , I found out my second try didnt take. I was not pregnant. I was surprised, I was late and I am NEVER late. But I was not totally surprised b/c I could not wait the long weekend , so I bought one of those EPT tests. I couldnt wait to take a picture of the "double bar" that says your pregnant, and post it on facebook. But I did not get the double bar, so I thought its too early, it must be wrong, I am never late. So when I took the official test with my doctor, his answer was the right one, not pregnant. I hung up the phone and cried, floodgates,, so much so that when a close friend called I could not talk and said I need a few minutes. I cried like I lost a great boyfriend, something I was used to feeling, it hurt just as much . When I got into this fertility thing , I did not expect to be so emotional. I guess maybe I expected it to work !! I was more scared actually starting it, thinking , "ok now your going to do this, by yourself, 1,2,3, jump ! " Now that I committed to it, and it failed, it really is like committing your heart to someone, then it does not pan out in the end.
But I am handling this like another 'break-up" Feel bad about it for a week, then move on. So I did, I sat around, slept late, drank , ate bad things, watched tv, starred at facebook too much, dreamed a little, listened to really bad love songs and cried.
Then I realized, its not the worst thing in the world, I am trying for gods sake !
I live in a nice house, I have my dog flo, I am healthy, and I have a job that gives me off July and August ! and I worked enough overtime to buy me a fridge and send me back to where I love the most , Ireland !
So I will try again next month, and maybe I will be luckier. If not , at least I know what I am in for, because being a spinster I am no stranger to heartbreak, but I am always so much stronger in the end.

why spinster ?

A spinster has never been married, right? Ok thats me ! I like the word, I figure if I own it , it wont be so negative. I think of the word finster when I think of spinster, like "finster baby, come back here you naughty baby", a scene from bugs bunny.

Do you know any spinsters ? Most likely your answer would be yes, me (the blogger ). Think about how many people do you know that are not married .
Then break it down -
never married ?
never married and straight ?
never married and not crazy/drug addict ?
never married over , 30, 40, dare I say 50 ?
that would leave me and my uncle jimmy.

If you know any one else let me know. If you are divorced you don't count. My divorced friends think they get a pass in cause they are single now. Come on , I did not get a big party thrown for me , with a gown and a hall and a shower, and gifts, gifts and gifts . So the spinster is exclusive to never married. Sorry friends but we can hang out later and pick up .

Do you ever wonder why ? I admit I do. When I see an online posting of a man never married, I wonder "whats wrong with him"
So do they think, "whats wrong with her '?
Is there something wrong ?
Talk about it .

should i stay or should i go?

Alright I am fine and healthy according to all the tests. This is covered under my insurance. I can do this , right ? Jesus I can handle hundreds of teens, I can handle a screaming one of my own?
I decide to announce my decision to my family at the most traditional of events, a bridal shower. The reaction I got , not so traditional. I think if I said I was gay or dating a black man I would of gotten a better response.
"What ???"
"Do you realize how HAAAAAARD it is to be a mother ?"
"Do you know you what you have to give up ?"
"Do you know what it will do you your body, you will put on even more weight" ?
"I think you should adopt an older child, your better with them"

Cheese and rice ! and I did not know this about being a mom. I did not know it would be hard, or sacrafice ! How come they know and not me ??
This was much different from the cheers and ooohs I got from my work colleagues. Maybe my family knew something about me that I did not realize,
Just like I have not been the marrying kind, maybe I am not the mommy kind either.
This reaction made me put my idea on hold.

I went seeking other options.
I looked at international adoption and domestic adoption. I went and looked at teenage adoption, ooh my that is scary,, yes let me just start off at their most difficult years ! But the positive is I dont need a babysitter or daycare. If anything their reaction made me take a step back and really look at what is the best choice to make.
Some people say, maybe you should get a puppy, I have, I have had 3 and I still have FLO she is alive, in fact she is on the couch now, snoring.

So before I take that leap, I am going to go do some soul searching. Jesus I think its just easier to get knocked up. Just happens and you just deal with it. I work well that way. Well then , thats it ! I need to go get some some, ! I will see ya later !